>four tet. boards of canada. ivy. jazzanova.
today (as was yesterday and the day before that) has been an odd day. one of those days where you’re trapped in some sort of fuzzy permeation of time, consciously able to realize and define past and future and all moments in between, yet finding yourself lost and uncharted in the very spot you are standing. the eye of a hurricane. the spool of a turntable. three tons of ice pressed against the balls of your feet. your fingers grasp, your hair glides, and you run in the snow, silent thighs smooth as pistons. directionless, breathless, and ceaseless. this is the scenario. this is what it is like.
i have a tendency to obsess, especially with sensory images. i play a scene, a clip of my waking consciousness, a shadow of a memory, in my mind again and again. cameras pan, angles change, and the director keeps calling for more cuts. i wrestle with this image, folding the piece over and over until a permanent crease mars its surface. it’s a combination of fantasy and of reality, a stirring of soup whose ingredients boil to surface: hope, despair, ecstasy, fear, impulse, jealousy, gratitude, sorrow. beauty and death reunite in a fantastic performance behind closed eyelids and sealed lips. like a broken record or a bowl of milk, the scene refuses to dissolve. i am awake, yet i keep dreaming. where the memory ends and the fantasy begins, i cannot say. rewind, repeat, rewind.
she will never tire of it.
yesterday held one of those moments where i revived my penchant for textures. one of those, ‘thank God that i have this fifth sense, wondrous skin, beautiful nerves, to touch and feel and understand because of it’ moments. smooth, wispy, coarse, soft, bumpy, darmp, warm. it almost gets to the point when it’s not just your finger that traces the surface, but an invisible, membraneous extension of your physical self which vibrates with each new tangible stimulus. just as proust’s madeleine + tea sent him on a mental acela back to his fragrant childhood, one simple touch can send me spinning into a previously hidden dimension. i relish, shiver; and then it’s over.
kiwis of the world, unite. abandon your skin, all you juicy green flesh glistening in the sun. discover your seeds. embrace tartiness. glow.